Although this post is out of the norm of what I usually do, I feel it is necessary to share this significant life-altering event with you so that you can understand me better.
This will also be the first time I put my thoughts and feelings on this subject down on “paper.” Maybe this post is for me more than anyone else as I search for comfort during this grief process, and perhaps some of you (but not hopefully) can relate.
Losing your mother while navigating the early stages of motherhood is an incredibly challenging and emotionally complex experience. Coping with grief while simultaneously adjusting to the demands of being a new mom can feel overwhelming. In this blog post, we’ll explore the unique journey of losing your mother as a new mom and provide guidance on navigating this difficult path.
![grief](https://beauty-and-the-babes.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/grief.jpg)
The Day I Became a Motherless Mama
On November 11th, 2021, my 7-month-old daughter was gleefully bouncing in her doorway bouncer when there was a knock at the door. I peered through the window and saw one of my older brothers standing there. This was not an odd occurrence as he only lived less than a five-minute drive away and often stopped by to see my daughter (and me, I think).
I swung open the door with so much enthusiasm and joy that I feel pretty silly now, when I think back on it. Before I could even get a greeting out, he began to shake his head as he attempted to hold back waves of tears. My first thought was that maybe he got fired, but then I wondered if he and his wife had gotten into a fight or if he was overwhelmed with his three kids. I grabbed him by the shoulders and kept asking what was wrong, but he couldn’t speak. It felt like time slowed down when he finally muttered, “mom’s dead.”
No sugar-coating, no nothing, just “dead”. I know he wanted to say it in a way that I would understand, without having to question what it meant.He wanted to say it in a way there was no confusion with words like “passed” or “gone” that most people might use to soften the blow. I appreciate how he told me, but death was/is just so….final.
When people say that they fell to the ground after shocking news, I always thought that was dramatic, but it turns out that it is accurate. My knees gave out, and before I knew it, I was on the floor with my head in my hands. This can’t be our mom he is talking about, not my mom.
Even though much of that night is a blur, I remember looking over at my daughter in her bouncer. So innocent and carefree. I lost my mom, but she will never have a grandma. My heart ached/s for her and my son, who will never have met her.
Understanding Grief
Grief is a natural response to loss, and it doesn’t have a specific timeline or set of rules. Losing your mother can evoke intense emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. It’s essential to recognize that everyone’s grieving process is unique and personal.
When someone dies unexpectedly, I think the shock factor is a challenging part of the grieving process. It’s been a year, and I still go to call my mom to tell her something before my heart breaks again when I remember she can’t pick up. I want to ask her if something my daughter is doing is typical or if I should change my son’s formula. I want to call her after a rough day with the kids and comfort me the way only a mother can. Most of all, I wish I could tell her I love her one last time and apologize for being so tough on her.
Thank God for my daughter. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably still be in bed to this day. I realized life doesn’t stop when you lose someone, which is perhaps a good thing. The next day, I had to wake up and be a mom. There was no calling out of my job and no time to feel sorry for myself.
Balancing Grief and Motherhood
Balancing the demands of motherhood with the weight of grief can be a daunting task. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this challenging journey:
1. Seek Support:
- Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and understanding during this time. For me, seeing a grief counselor was very helpful.
- Join support groups for new moms who have experienced a similar loss. Sharing your experiences with others who can relate can be incredibly healing.
2. Accept Help:
- Don’t hesitate to accept help from loved ones. Allow them to assist with childcare, household tasks, or simply lend a listening ear when you need it.
3. Embrace Self-Care:
- Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your physical and emotional well-being. This may include meditation, exercise, journaling, or taking moments of solitude.
4. Honor Your Mother’s Memory:
- Find meaningful ways to honor and remember your mother. Create a memory box, write letters, or start traditions that celebrate her life.
5. Set Realistic Expectations:
- Understand that it’s okay to have days when you feel overwhelmed or less than perfect as a mom. Setting realistic expectations for yourself during this period is essential.
Final Thoughts on Grief
Losing my mom at such a young age (I was 33, and she was 65) has been the single-handed most challenging thing I have ever been through. With that said, I try and give her premature death reasons and find the positives that have come out of it. I finally researched and found a therapist that had helped in so many ways (I needed therapy long before my mother passed); I made a significant career change and enrolled back in school to get my Master’s; I got rid of the toxic relationships in my life, and focused more on self-care, and practiced saying NO.
I wouldn’t have made these changes if it weren’t for the realization that life is indeed “short.” Although my children will never know my mother, their grandmother, she has left me so much that I am excited to teach my children. She taught me how to be a mom and made me a better person and mother even after her death.
Losing your mother as a new mom is a profound and emotionally complex experience. It’s essential to acknowledge your grief, seek support, and prioritize self-care during this time.
Remember that you are not alone in your journey, and there is help available to guide you through the challenges of both motherhood and grief. Your mother’s love and influence will always be a part of your life, and you can honor her memory as you continue to embrace your role as a loving and resilient new mom.
I pray you can’t relate to this post, but if you can, I am sorry and know you are not alone. Please comment below on what has helped you through the grieving process.
The book F**k Death: Hardcore Grief Recovery was something I enjoyed because it doesn’t sugar-coat anything, which I appreciated.
![A mother and her baby](https://beauty-and-the-babes.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/20211111_1018042.jpg)
In Loving Memory of Julie Ann Jeffrey (1956-2021)
![grief](https://beauty-and-the-babes.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/signature.png)
That is such a wonderful picture of your mom, and I assume you as well. It is so hard to be without our moms as we change into motherhood ourselves. You got strength in you.
Thank you Cathy. This is one of the last pictures I have of us both and I am so happy it was taken on such a special day. Thanks for taking the time to read a post that is so important to me.